Romney Almost Cut My Hair (Song Parody by Rick London cs2012) Sung To CSN “Almost Cut My Hair”

Romney almost cut my hair,
It only happened ‘cause I was gay,
Didn’t seem like I belonged,
At Cranbrook School…..it was clearly foul play,
If he hadn’t I would have wondered why,
I was a bit effeminate & he a Bogart-type guy,
But Mitt ran on testosterone so his bullying must be done.

I should have fried his hateful bigoted ass,
This man is so beyond bizarre,
I think he has chronic paranoia,
With posthumous baptisms from afar,
His lies are are such a thin veneer,
Wouldn’t buy what he had even if egay was the auctioneer,
He must owe taxes to someone…..

He wants to cut the fat and run the country like an entrepreneur,
He went to the south for cheesy grits & instead got sunny weather;
Romney will never live down the gaffe,
But will separate “We The People from the Thief Of Staff?

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Rick London is a songwriter, author, cartoonist and designer.  In 1997 he launched Londons Times Cartoons  which have been Google’s #1 ranked Offbeat Cartoons on the Internet since 2005.  He also has numerous funny gifts shops which Google and Bing also rank #1 such as Rick London Gifts.  His main cartoon site has lured over 7.8 million visitors and his inventory of products is over 1/4 million and is sold at such venues as Sears, Amazon and many others. He and his nature photography wife Lee HillerLondon with  live and work in the Ouichata Mountains of Arkansas and are active in animal, children and environmental causes.

Twas The Hike Before Christmas by Rick London

Hot Springs Mountain (Click To Enlarge)

Twas our hike before Chrismas, I was out with my spouse

All the creatures had burrowed, except one lazy mouse,
In hibernation were our miniature bears,
You could’ve opened a jar of honey, they wouldn’t have cared.

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On the trails our hiking boots left their tread marks in the dirt of the path,
The squirrels high in their oak trees, which they called their beds,
Where Goat Rock Trail ended there was a deep gap,
If you fall just pray your bunjee chord doesn’t snap.

When out on the trail there was one bloody splatter
Lee turned around to see what was the matter.
Onto the trail there was such a crash,
It was me on the ground, my knee had been smashed.

My left knee looked like the ear of Vincent Van Gogh,
I looked at the cliff several thousand feet below.
It was close to the last place we’d seen some beautiful deer,
Maybe my mojo was gone, I’d quite drinking ginger beer.

Wounded Knee (Click To Enlarge)

Click To Enlarge

I told Lee it was nothing than just a small nick,

But my knee was torn up by a sharp white quartz brick.
Hiking vertically home was my previous aim,

Now if I could only stand up was the name of the game.

Lee had just snapped a thrasher or wren,
My commune with nature had ended its Zen,
From perfect utopia to the pain of the fall,

It was like Forrest Gump hitting “the wall”.

I looked toward the Universe and asked “Why, why, why?”
I had to get home to make my vegan stir fry.
To pull the skin on my knee back together I’d need Super Glue
But Lee assured me Hydrogen Peroxide “would work for you, fool”.

Click To Enlarge

I pulled up my pants to my knees, Lee snapped a shot of this goof,
I told her I was fine. I can be so aloof.
I spoke of natural healing, I can be so profound,
Told her “I’d be fine” while she was thinking “MAN DOWN”.

Now that my tendons and ligaments have all gone kaput,
It started with my ankle and traveled to my foot.
All I could think was “Where’s my ice pack?”
But I wouldn’t find it until I got back.

I weigh a bit much for Lee to have carried,

We both have GPS cell phones…could have called St. Joe’s,

But that’s a big hospital and continues to grow.

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I was far from deceased & my living will states who’s bequeathed.
But like I said earlier it was just torn skin on my knee.
I looked down the mountain and felt kind of silly.
The terrain was quite steep, more than just hilly.

I looked up at Lee and thought to myself,
I could fall again, I’m taller than an elf,
With 1/2 a spirulina bar I had to be fed,

I’d be so embarrassed found on North Mountain of a Wounded Knee dead,
Have tumbled so often I feel like a jerk,

I’m now 58,  no longer a young turk.

As I complete these words I attempt to compose
I hope that when finished interpreted as prose.

I looked in the sky not a bird or it’s whistle,
Just a few jet chemtrails resembling a missile.
A few miles later I saw such a sight,

Soon home and bathroom, hydrogen peroxide wins the fight.

Click To Enlarge

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I’m a goofy (uncoordinated) vegan mountain man who enjoys nature and hiking with my wife,nature photographer Lee Hiller=London.  I love animals, kids, nature and such. I founded Londons TimesOffbeat Cartoons and Funny Gifts in 1997 which has been Google’s #1 on the Internet and now Bing as well.  I like to design shoes, gifts and clothing in such stores as my Rick London Designs (and I have a few others) and I also founded the 1st (and still only) offbeat cartoon shop that is dedicated to all 100% organic cotton tees (using soy non-toxic dyes) called Rick London Organics.

Grandma Was Right..The World’s Gone Mad…But…

 

It’s Wednesday and a gorgeous Autumn day in Hot Springs, Ar.  My wife Lee

surprised us on facebook with beautiful colorful leaves she snapped on our

main mountain a few days ago.  We’re going on a short lower-mountain hike today.

We’ve had the news on nonstop and it reminds me so much of watching my maternal

grandmother, Ruth London, watch Tom Brocow religiously in the 1970’s, and never

failing to tell us at the end of his newscast, “The world’s gone crazy”.  I used to laugh

so hard and finally recite it with her. I was about 21 or so and everything had always

been a bit crazy, so I thought that was “normal”.  To me, nothing had “gone crazy”, it

had “remained crazy”.  But she was right.

I reminded Lee of grandma’s quote last night as we watched the news.  Some, but not

all of it was a horrifying pedophilia sting at Penn State.  Sorry, there is no humor I can

find in that story. I was sickened to hear of what had happened there, and triple nauseated

hearing of the way it was handled (with a probable cover-up). It is good that the coach

and school president will be stepping down.  I hope those guilty are prosecuted beyond

their wildest nightmares.  Children and animals are the only beings

on our planet that do have rights but don’t know it.  In a true civilization, it is the

duty of the rest of us to speak up for them.

So shame on you Penn State (all involved). How very horrible and total moral

bankruptcy.

We expect you to clean it up, and for the legal system to  prosecute to the fullest extent

all involved.

Within the same hour the major contender for U.S. President in the GOP camp had a

criminal lawyer introduce him to give a 5-Flag Press Conference to defend himself

against alleged sexual harassment from 4 different women, and his claiming “They’ll

probably be more”…(Yikes), and that he’d surely take a lie detector test (if ever there was

a need to take one) Yikes again.

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I don’t get too wound up about politics and/or politicians anymore, but all I could think

was, “Scuse me, SCUSE me, SCUSE ME, Herman extra onions please and welcome

back to the 99%”.   His backers did the predictible “Let’s bully and shame Rick” thing but

(Yawn); I’ve got a lot more important things to think about than who someone wants

for President (like who I want for President), and I don’t tend to splash that all over

social media because it reminds me too much of high school, and, the only place

that really has any power is in the voting booth, not my blog, not on facebook, and

not on Twitter. Those places are ideal for…as I mentioned amateurs and high school

students. If I’ve offended someone, consider yourself one or the other (in high school,

or…an amateur. I didn’t make the rules so don’t kill the messenger).

I can’t please everybody. I  was surely willing to listen and give him a chance for my vote

(like I do every other  candidate, as I don’t vote party lines. I vote candidate.  But with all the horrors in our

country and world today, I don’t think a man who is his own distraction is in any position

to run our nation.

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Not long before that a microphone had been left on revealing a conversation between

our President and the President of France of the difficulties of dealing with Israel’s

Prime Minister Netanyahu.  I thought to myself, “They probably have a point; it wouldn’t

be much fun. He is a tough customer.  But when I think of the alternative, his nemesis

Ahmadinejad, Bibi ain’t that bad. The IAEA had just reported that it is definite that

Iran has reached a point of no return; that is, there is not even a slight chance that all

Their nuclear work has been for “peaceful purposes”. They are building nuclear weapons

And not far away. It appears Israel is most likely first in their crosshairs and the USA

next and who knows after that.  But to me, that’s enough.  Though I would like to believe

sanctions would do the trick, my instincts tell me either Russia or China or both will

not cooperate.  Maybe I’m wrong, and I do hope so.

At the end of the day, Lee and I looked out our office window at my favorite mountain

and the leaves are in all their glory.  We woke up today and it was still there.  We know

there is a peace up there that was described once by Sierra Club founder John Muir, “The

Mountains Are Calling And I Must Go”.

Is it a cop-out, an escape, a relinquishing of responsibilities?  In a way… yes.  But I

think it is important for everyone to have such a place they can go.  It need not be the

mountains. It could be a favorite pond, a beach, a river, a field, just anyplace “far from

the maddening crowd” where one can remove the cobwebs and be at one with nature and

God (and whatever your belief system may be), and know that in spite of network news

and all it entails, it is going to be alright.

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I decided to slow my pace of life down as I aged before I aged..in other words it was

already in the back of my mind when I was in my twenties; to live fast and furious, and if

I lived through it (and I did but just barely, I would retire to the most beautiful place on

the planet (that was within economic feasibility).  The two places I had found along the

way were Kauai, HW (too expensive and far away), and Hot Springs, Ar (Just right).  So

here we are.  I believe that by the time we reach a certain age, where we are or what we do is a choice.  To use the

excuse “But I inherited this” or “This is the only work and people I know” are true cop-outs if you think it through. A mature adult can

make positive changes (if one wishes) by merely taking steps and a risk.

Footnote: Lee and I hiked for about an hour and saw the most beautiful forest of

every color under the sun.  We stood there mesmerized; or at least I did.  She took as

many photos as Ansel Adams on a long hike, or at least I hope.

Now I just pinched my arm and I’m still here.  Now its time for me to assess myself

and notice with all my flaws, I’m still okay…and I’m on day thirty of the vegan diet. Not bad

for an old man eh?

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Rick London is a freelance writer, cartoonist and clothing and shoe designer.  He is active in children, animal and environmental causes. London founded Google’s #1 ranked offbeat cartoons and funny gifts, Londons Times in 1997 and it has been #1 worldwide ranked across the web since 2005.