Today is Valentine’s Day.
For many years that day didn’t mean a lot to me, whether I was in a relationship or not.
That may sound like a “call for pity” yet it is just the opposite. I know now how blessed and lucky I am, not just to have my wife Lee in my life, but both of us understanding with what we deal; autism as well as building our lives together.
Some think I talk about autism too much, and that’s too bad and their issue. Autism is very much who I am, why I do what I do, and how I do it.
For numerous years professionals wondered how I “lived through what I lived through”, and there are times when I did too, yet they never told me what it was in which they were amazed about.
More than one psychiatrist I told I was hidden away in an attic at age five which lasted my entire youth up until age seventeen and then thrown to the wolves. I am sure most of them knew what that meant, but maybe most of them felt it was best to tell me I had been severely abused, simply by the act of “residential segregation” and the very different rule structure set for me as compared to my siblings.
They also felt it best that my siblings were quite abusive as well, for the most part of their own survival. That part I understood and even forgave. One extremely well-versed very well educated therapist told me, “If they’d had a backbone, if they’d had an ounce of good in them, they would have turned off the “hate Rick campaign” and done the right thing, as adults after your parents died, but they were too ambitious to “have their name in lights”. I could easily see them given that I’d had my name in lights several times (and it was highly overrated). I’d never scapegoat a sibling to do so, nor did I ever.
So given the abandonment (and even abuse) combined with the autism, it is beyond comprehensible to most that I survived. I did have the wherewithal to continue seeing professionals in an extreme effort to find out what had happened to me. Remember, I didn’t know I had autism, nor that I’d been severely abused until I was 61. I was programmed not only to fail but to die young.
And that’s probably why I decided I was not going to die young. In spite of two major heart attacks 3 surgeries and stents, I was determined to discover what had happened and who did what.
Then came Lee. She loved me and loves me unconditionally. She helped me in my quest, so that I might not dismiss abuse when it came my way.
Remember, I never even knew I was “at war with my siblings” (I just felt they didn’t care for me) until age 61. At age 60 I decided to write one of them to let them know of my autism diagnosis. Also of my vanus diagnosis; an extremely painful form of flat feet, also congenital. As always, I was dismissed by one sibling by email with a line that read “My spouse’s niece had a bit of autism but is fine now. What will you do for symptoms”. (In other words people live with autism all the time. Get used to it).
Truth be told, most autistic children do not get hidden away in an attic, scapegoated by their entire family, and never diagnosed. The difference is apples and oranges (than simply “being autistic”. I survived a pre-meditated war against me, one I never knew I was in, only to find the real truth, and that the perpetrators of that war were rancid cowards, bigots and haters, and still are. Now they will coddle their autistic niece to show “their goodness”. Educated people expect that and are not impressed…in the least.
I lost it. I was livid. Symptoms? Autism does not have symptoms. Autism is who someone is. It is not something to cure. It is something with which to have compassion because the tools to teach autism are just now coming into fruition.
I told the sibling a thing or two about symptoms (the only true symptoms of such a condition are hate, prejudice and fear) projected by ignorant people, and I made certain this sibling knew what that meant. I never heard from that sibling again and if I’m fortunate I never will. I know it sounds erudite but these siblings do not deserve to be a part of my life.
I am not perfect, in fact far from it. But the torture of another person, especially a child who later becomes an adult, to me falls in the category of serial killers and such. Before you say, “how crude”, so do a majority of the members of the autism groups which have at least 3.2 million diagnosed members not to mention even more than that that are un-diagnosed.
This feeling is real, and the experience/torture is very much of a similar sociopath nature. Those people need help and need it today. They will within a few years, most likely, find themselves way on the fringe, at least that is what is being reported by knowledgeable scholars acting within the mainstream autism communities. I believe it wholeheartedly.
And I don’t regret writing that. I do not want that kind of “person” in my life, ever. And though I know they cannot help that they are that sick, they do have the responsibility to get professional help. After all, I did, and I was not even the one who needed it most. In fact, I am quite at peace with myself most times, knowing that I finally know what really happened to me, and not the “family press release”.
Yes, I still get the occasional PTSD that I used to get often. But PTSD is not a character flaw or weakness. It is a healthy response to something very bad that someone experienced or saw. I can remember having it since age 5 (the year my first attic isolation tank) aka bedroom was built). Why would a five year old have PTSD? Child abuse is the reason about 99% of the time. I was part of that 99%. I survived it and am very proud of that. Not all do. And that is why I write these blogs. I don’t believe any of my family will change. They have too much invested in “the lie”. But I know others might read it and see hope. I know NPD parents might read it and seek help. If just one reads it and seeks help, it’s a success. Torture is torture and if it prevents just one, it proved to be a good thing.
I merely ask you to imagine a 5 year old child alone, isolated in an attic, for 12 years. The first 4 years crying every night to no response (they couldn’t hear me in such a large home and made sure of that). This causes all sorts of psychological problems, the worst of all chronic insomnia (which is not even allowed in the most brutal wars by the Geneva Convention). Neither is that sort of isolation. Some parents truly need not be parents. They are forgiven (by me). They are also forgotten (by me). I survived that and I am tougher than I thought. They are more cowardly than I ever knew. Sadly, they knew what they were doing.
The rest of my life went downhill from there. Until age 58. That’s when God presented my wife, and there was a definite curve upward. Beautiful things began to happen.
I realized rather rapidly I was the lucky one by not scapegoating anyone. I was the lucky one for “taking the fall”. I was the lucky one for letting them cast aspersions and tell lies etc.
I look at my life and I look at theirs. I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone else. God made certain I would not only enjoy but cherish my 61 year old Valentine’s Day. We have wonderful friends, most married who share the same affection for their spouses.
I now am learning how to navigate life with autism. I realize I read and saw and thought everything differently. I also know that was not my fault. I was not diagnosed purposely for nefarious reasons. Now I am diagnosed for decent reasons and have a beautiful chance to enjoy my life. Lee and I will only associate with good people who support our relationship. If you are one of those who find you are not, do not try to be a trickster. We’ve seen it all, and we fight back. We will defend our love no matter what.
If you and I have been friends in the past, in real life, but you are frightened to express it due to NPDs and their “flying monkeys”, might I suggest those days are over, and they turned out to be wrong. Very wrong.
And if you don’t believe me try contacting one of the major Autism associations. Most of them know me now, know the dynamics happening, and are not happy with it at all. It’s very nice to have that support.
They will assure you that abuse and prejudice against autistics will be a dark part of American History. Please, consider siding on the right side of history. Not the side in which someone might throw you a few nickels or “property one day”, or if you’re really lucky “be a part of their popularity circle”. Just remember how they obtained that popularity. With torture. I will not tell you not to be a part of that. We all have to answer to our God. You know best.
You might look at my life and think it was quite unfair. The real facts is that I was dealt a very bad hand of cards (by humans). When I let God take over, things changed. Suddenly my offbeat cartoon of which I’d worked on for 8 years was the Google #1 ranked offbeat cartoon and a few years later my designer offbeat gifts also became #1 ranked. They have maintained that ranking through hard work all the way up until now (2016). That is 11 years. I am proud, very proud, but I clearly understand now it is from a Hand Above and from the loving Support of my Wife Lee. I couldn’t have dreamed of this.
That may not seem like much, but given there are 100,000+ offbeat cartoons and gifts on the net on any given day (am told), I feel pretty good about that. Had I been treated fairly, that would have never happened. So I do have the culprits to thank, and thank them forever and ever. Nobody has been as good to me (but surely not on purpose), and of course my Angel wife Lee who willfully has been good to me, and has showed me the world in a whole different manner. I will always push to look at it correctly, and not as a “mean ol’ place”. It’s not a bad place at all, and most the people in our circles are very very decent.
Scapegoating toddlers who become children who become adults, with a pre-planned “program” to make them the bad guy and then “buy their friends” is not even considered humane in the very worse cultures and societies.
Sadly, it is done quite often in these United States, and most children/later adults never knew what hit them. My parents never figured I would have the photographic/date/time memory that gave them away the first time they committed such a crime. They were busted. They just didn’t know it. It took me this long to figure out just what the abuse was.
It was so subtle, so professional, so well done in privacy with me; not when other siblings or friends were around, you would have thought it was an Alfred Hitchcock film. But most Hitchcock films offer a bit of grace and negotiation. Mine offered neither. I believe with the help of God and amazing friends, I lived long enough to figure it out, and have enough life in me to help others who find themselves in similar situations.
I am able to vocalize to them they are not alone. I am able to shout to them to hook up immediately with autism legal programs, autism support groups, and the like. They can then safely tell their story and if someone interferes, it can easily become a civil rights matter and that interfering person may just find themselves on the wrong side of history, not where they want to be.
Scapegoating humans and torturing them is horrendous. Doesn’t work nor should it. It’s hate. It’s prejudice and it’s fear. It’s masochistic and brutal. To support it is as cowardly as the act itself. That’s not you I hope, and pray.
Love is truly the answer
The Beatles were right. Money can’t buy that. It can’t even buy “like”.
Rick London is a writer, songwriter, gift designer and cartoonist. He is best known for his Offbeat Cartoons & Funny Gifts “Londons Times” LTCartoons.com. He is married to popular nature photographer and gift designer Lee Hiller-London who owns nature blog Hike Our Planet and brand store LeeHillerDesigns.com.