Upon my enlightenment of what happened to me (early in my life) up until age 60, I became angry. That is normal (many scapegoat children-turn-adult) never lose that anger. Even more, never even discover what happened to them, as it is “the family secret” and all participants who choose to engage “play a role” and play it well for their own survival.
One of the main roles is to help “build the hierarchy” of the dysfunctional family model, by helping the parents scapegoat the “weak child”, hence removing responsibility of their own dysfunction and projecting it onto the scapegoat (and if that model scapegoat is created at a young enough age) i.e. vis a vie triangulation, isolation, etc. it works quite simply.
Of course there are numerous downsides to this type “family model” that are far too numerous to mention. One is the deception and manipulation mentioned above. The family generally then turns to their community and screams, “See what a madman we have? No wonder our family is in turmoil”. Of course it is all based on deception and untruths.
And though it “works”, this model harms a lot of people (even outside the family unit) as well as the children (not only the scapegoat child). All models from the golden child to the lost child are angry (at whom, they are a bit confused/misguided) but that’s merely a fact of the NPD family model (they all think they are angry at the scapegoat). Sadly they are not.
Mix in a heaping tablespoon of Autism Spectrum (with which I was born), didn’t only make life difficult, it made it impossible. Believe me when I tell you, Clark Kent couldn’t have changed into his Spandex and flown out of there without some heavy duty kryptonite burns.
Jung and Satir’s psychological and psychiatric papers are chock-full of these dynamics which are the “fingerprints” of any NPD family. Scott Peck (The Road Less Traveled) penned his 2nd book “People Of The Lie” on this very family model. It is much more commonplace than people know.
So how to heal? I’ve been reading a great deal on that, and consulting with several top professionals in that field. I am also now hooked into several large networks that allow me support, and the ADA has assured me they would assist in any external issues that might arise while I attempt to begin my life, possibly for the first time; and of course my wife Lee is a tremendous support. Together we are walking through this.
Anger and fear are actually healthy responses to “my enlightenment”. In fact, I’ve learned that had I not had such emotions, I should be worried. It would mean I had likely gotten to the point of dissociation and void of all feelings (which would put me right back in the mud, wallowing with the narcissists and their“flying monkeys”) who continue to occasionally pop up (I choose not to engage with them anymore, however; and that is healthier for both sides
As Katy told Boon in “Animal House” when asked to be his date to the toga party, “I’ll write you a note. I’ll say you’re too well to attend”. And actually, just as promised from various therapists, once I purged the anger and blogged it, the anger subsided. Have I forgiven the culprits yet? Of course not. I know, I know, forgiveness is “the solution” to many things, and I agree, and feel I will forgive one day.
But if I give a “fake performance” (just to show “how spiritual I am”), and not feel the anger and “loss of innocence” if you will, that’s exactly what it will be, “a fake performance”. Fake performances were the very foundation of what I had to do in that original family unit to survive. I refuse to be involved in that kind of behavior ever again.
So forgiveness is on my agenda in the future, but not forgetfulness. It is every bit as important to remember who did these deeds to me, and who enabled them (and who continues to enable some of them) and never, ever allow them in my life again. They do not deserve that honor. To be forgiven? Yes one day. To be forgotten would be naive and myopic.
Will I write a book (and/or screenplay) regarding my life? I have been approached by several very capable people “interested parties”, and am tossing that idea around. I’d say “probably so” but I don’t want to do so while my moods are still volatile.
First I want to allow those around me who really love me (Lee) to help in the healing, which she has been doing, and that doesn’t go unrecognized, and continue our hikes as I’ve learned late in life that God’s handiwork aka nature is a healer like no other I’ve ever seen. Lee agrees, and together our hikes are like magic.
In college, my first time around, I was not a great student. Now of course I understand more clearly as to why.
I could barely read, and, I actually had never read even one entire book cover-to-cover until age 27, and again, now I have a greater comprehension as to why that occurred too.
A combination of struggling with both autism and scapegoatism, hindered my ability to do so.
When I finally learned how to read properly (using a ruler or other similar object), it made things much easier. And though I loved some of the great nature/spirituality writers such as Emerson and Thoreau, I didn’t fully comprehend their core message until experiencing it. In fact I used to snicker at some of it, sadly. Now I know how much smarter/wiser they were than I will ever even hope to be.
Lee on the other hand is and always was an avid reader and comprehends what she reads. Using her instincts, one birthday she got us both Kindle Fires. Suddenly, due to the brilliant background lighting and large font, enabled me to read and absorb the words (without using a flat object to keep the letters from jumping all over the place).
And though I realize the autism will never go away, I am slowly learning to accept it. It is in fact a gift after all (I had always heard otherwise). It is why I am able to do a lot of the things I am able to do (especially on the creative side). In my diagnosis, which was done by the top neuropsychologist in Arkansas, (and allegedly one most respected in this whole region) who does most of the neurological evaluations in this state as she is that respected, and has sat on the Ar. State Autism Board about 35 years who wrote a letter to my GP (which is the result of the evaluation). She says that even my work is autistic in nature. (I gave her the URL of my web site).
Ironically, Lee’s guess and later my guess was Asperger’s. She noticed numerous “Aspie” movements/gestures etc. for several years. It took time but upon deep assessment, finally so did I. But we found out I am much deeper on the Autism spectrum than the Asperger’s spectrum. And though Asperger’s is considered a type of autism, not everyone with autism has it. I got lucky and have both.
As each day passes, I learn just how lucky and blessed I really am. I have what I need; more than I ever desired. I am alive and, though on some days struggling with health issues, I have survived and I am strong.
I am a survivor, of things that (I am told) most people don’t survive. I don’t say that in glee. I say that because that is one of the main reasons I blog this topic, very different than my cartoon/humorous stuff, which I find equally important. Laughter was not easy on many days. I have been writing cartoons for 18 years.
I notice on days I am able to find humor on which I could rely for a laugh, sometimes that is all I needed to make it through the day.
But I also needed information like this (on this topic).
It is not fun to write, and sometimes it isn’t easy to write. But for me, it is very necessary to write. I’ve already been told of several families who have been helped. Young lives who won’t have to go through what I did.
Several families have opted for professional help rather than ego-driven narcissism/power etc. to greet and welcome in life. To them I say, “God bless you” and please do keep the faith. All that pain, made this day worthwhile for me, and I hope and pray that in your own journey toward recovery, both of us will be able to look back and say, “Now what was that that was bothering me back in July of 2015? I don’t even remember”.
Rick London is an author, songwriter, cartoonist and gift designer. He is best known for his Londons Times Offbeat Cartoons & Funny Gifts which have remained Google #1 ranked since 2005. He is active in such causes as autism/Asperger’s, animals, children and the environment.
So how does an undiagnosed autistic child (or adult) figure out the issue is a Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) origin family including past and current flying monkeys (FM) from those families and/or friends? Again flying monkeys are minions who do the narcissist’s “dirty work” to attack or harm the scapegoat child (even as an adult); sometimes long after the original narcissist(s) are deceased. It can be carried on by siblings, friends of siblings, even grandmothers and grandfathers, church or synagogue members; whomever the narcissistic can influence and/or bribe/buy that they know the scapegoat cannot, as they generally do all they can to keep the scapegoat in poverty as long as they can (yet another form of narcissistic parental control).
One place to start is to think like the criminals they are. This is not easy for the scapegoat child as he/she is taught never ever to lie. (What we’re not told is they will do the lying for us, and make sure we are put in situations that make us appear to be the liars).
And I don’t mean to suggest you lie or be a criminal. Just be prepared to ask tough questions to the people from your past you’ve decided to allow into your current life; Ask questions and be silent. You may want to allow none of them contact with you and that is fine. There are plenty of new communities full of much healthier people willing to offer support.
But, if you decide to give some of the old flying monkeys mercy, learn what some of the FMs who might not be in the FM inner core are hearing from their narcissists on the NPD spectrum. Then double check it to make sure you heard it right. It is usually a lie, and often a lie that can be proven (now with the Internet one can get public records (even from a half century ago) with a credit or debit card and the flick of a mouse; not good news for the habitual flying monkeys who are addicted to that lying process (and most are).
From the start, let me make something clear that is so important. Never ever ask or demand that someone “be on your side” and believe you only. Jung talked about this. First it doesn’t work. Second it puts you at the same very low level as the narcissists and their FMs, a place you very much don’t want to be. Then “they’ve won” in that they’ve brought you down to their level. Stick with the facts. If someone shows an interest, show them the evidence. Still, no demands to be on your side “in this fight”. It’s not a fight. It is “getting your life back” which is the only battle. Those people who were once relatives, friends, associates or whatever, are just sad, sick people of the past that hurt you, and possibly tried to do worse. They didn’t succeed. Now it’s your turn.
Your turn for what? Not revenge, at least not in the sense that people think of revenge. Don’t ever let them draw you into an argument or debate. If they try, they are bullying you and that info should go straight to the ADA. I’ve given info on how to contact the Americans With Disabilities Act, and if anyone tries to hurt you now, you have their help.
Success is going to be your revenge. It may or may not be money. But it absolutely will be to break the bonds of lies and aspersions that they cast many years ago. You will be free of those. And whether you accumulate wealth, or not, there is no greater success than being free of those bonds, and having “the good guys” on your side who are actually in place to protect you. Is that not success? You’ve already won the major battle. Now to build your life the way you’d planned to build it many years ago but were bullied, scapegoated and undermined so that it was assured not to happen. The perpetrators may have been people to whom you looked up and admired. They did not deserve that. They were sick, ugly horrible people, not worthy of your time or attention.
This is the “year of you”. Let’s build you the way you always wanted to be; even better if you wish. It is possible at any age. One day in the future, if you deem appropriate, you can forgive them. You can right now if you wish, but it’s not likely to be sincere. You are in the early stages of recovery from what many call “soul murder”. It is a crime often compared to murder (or rape). It is definitely child abuse, and it often turns into adult abuse. Usually the perpetrator(s) are long gone/dead but offspring and their own social/business circles continue the sociopathy. Now there’s help. Much help.
The scapegoat child (even as an adult)’s fate used to be sealed. His/her reputation was tarnished before he/she even knew he was “at war” or “in a battle with his family. I, of course, felt really dumb. But I hadn’t a clue narcissistic parents do everything possible to isolate the chosen “scapegoat child” from its siblings as early as possible. And who could imagine parents would set up a child to fail (and undermine them if they didn’t) so that they could appear victims of an out-of-control offspring?
Remember, the Internet is your friend. Now you can check and double check these lies, many times with city and/or county records. Google “Find County Records” or “Find City Records”. It often costs about $20 a month to use these services but if you are writing a book or film that requires accuracy and honesty, it is pertinent and well worth the investment. Or even if you just want to know for yourself (if any of them are true or not, a month or two subscription to such a service can offer empowerment and great peace of mind). It certainly has for me.
The Flying Monkeys stories can no longer take flight; or only the unwired, those who are on the fringe and quite naive would believe some of the garbage from that kind of drek’s mouths. They are passe’, archaic, and has-beens. Most don’t know it, yet; but many are “beginning to get it”. They are going to have to learn to “make it” on their own, without the abuse of disabled people. It will be tough for many of them, but they really have no choice (according to the ADA) Americans With Disabilities Act.
Though my own parents knew there was something very amiss with me, they never had me tested for any type of condition or disorder. It turned out to be autism and Asperger’s (as I have written), and, as I have written, I was hidden away in an “attic bedroom” far away from my other siblings for nearly 12 years of my life (age 6-17). Job done. Same as solitary confinement (In an autistic child’s mind). But I didn’t even know such a family dysfunction even existed until age 60. So where’s the justice? T
That nightmare existed from age six until age 17 when I was totally/physically abandoned for numerous years until I was so near-death, even the worst dregs of the earth couldn’t not take me back in (I was only taken back in for short periods of time until I could find yet another dead-end nothing job to keep me going as long as possible). It was a gift of God that I had creative and entrepreneurial skills, discovered late in life, that allowed me to build popular businesses from nothing. No money, never more than a few hundred dollars. So I was “allowed” freedom as an adult as long as I could keep those businesses going. Being a scapegoat child with autism, that was often not very long. So, start with a third party, a mutual friend of both “sides of the aisle” who you trust. Ask them a question about yourself, maybe based on a rumor about yourself you’ve heard elsewhere. The following is just one of several hundred I have on file that have gotten back to me. It is the “But your dad opened that beautiful health food store for you”. When/if you hear the actual lie, ask the friend or relative for a favor. Ask them if the person who told them the fib might be willing to take a mutual lie-detector test; and then be silent. If the mutual friend is on the up-and-up, they will usually say (with hesitancy because admittedly it is an odd request) “Sure at least I’ll ask”.
FMs NEVER EVER take lie detectors nor will submit to one even if you, the scapegoat offers to pay for both theirs and yours. How can they? Their entire inventory of terror is based on lies. I used to ask that question when such lies got back to me. Now I know the “creator” of such lies never admit they even “knew of them”, much less “created them”. Occasionally there is a half/or part truth, but that is a rarity, and if there is, it is often nothing they haven’t done themselves, or their friends, or human beings in general. Remember, it is the “big lies” you’re after. The type that can make or break a reputation. The kind that can make or break a human. The kind that can make or break a spirit. The kind that belongs in best-sellers and top box-office films; and they most certainly will in my case, whether I’m still living or not. My wife and I have made certain of that as has a very large autism network.
I spoke last month to one of my favorite relatives who, I knew, sadly, was part of the “flying monkey” network. In her case, it was difficult at best, in that she is married to an attorney who found himself early in life recruited as a FM and they were deep into the FM spectrum before they even reached 40 years old. They are now in their 80s. The one thing about this relative is that no matter how much she aged, she was always interested (or so it seemed) in the good and the bad that was happening in my life. That information seemed to be “our bond”. She is a tough bird, hence I rarely had trouble telling her much of anything, even the tough parts of my life. Of course I told these things to Lee (my wife) as well, but by telling unresolved conflicts to an older “trusted” relative, one often gets a perspective that one cannot get from my generation. Often if I had a problem or conflict, she’d been through something similar and had some sage advice. So I decided to let her know about my definite diagnosis of autism/Asperger’s. Being from an older generation she asked me where I thought I could have caught it. She added, “I mean you’ve lived in so many places”. I shook my head and laughed, and told her it was/is congenital, people don’t catch it, one is born with it. She knew and was very close my parents very well. She added, “Then how could your parents missed something that big?” I told her, “That is what we’re trying to find out now. They also missed vanus, a very severe form of flat feet.” “Rick then surely you caught the vanus somewhere or it was due to injury of all that long distance running, martial arts and hiking. Maybe cut back on hiking”. I knew this was going to be a difficult conversation. Not knowing yet that I was “the scapegoat child of narcissistic parents (or an ACON), I explained to her that my parents were in their own unresolved battles, and frankly did not have the time to explore everything about me. They had their “future Realtor of America” and really “Isn’t that all they wanted?”
She always laughed when I said that as she knew that was true. I explained to her that my parents didn’t like me once. For instance my siblings received nice material inheritances. I added sardonically to my relative, “And I inherited a suitcase”. She quipped back quickly, “But your dad did give you that very nice health food store”. There was a long silence (and these long silences gives the scapegoat time to catch his/her breath and realize he/she has caught a flying monkey in a lie). I asked where she heard that (already knowing where she’d heard it as I’d heard it from other mutual friends of my family) and she didn’t answer and changed the subject.
I think I actually surprised her in that, even at her age with her wisdom, she was believing the still-living narcissists. I told her a bank president named Jack T. of the now defunct Bank Of Hattiesburg loaned me the money as well as my partner Doug R.
Jack figured a way to loan my partner and I a whopping $10,000 total. We needed about eight times that much. We did what we could (for the rest) using sweat equity. And sweat we did. I was often there until midnight and often 24/7, decorating and redecorating the store, studying catalogs for hot trending items, learning all I could about nutrition, etc.
My father not only didn’t bank at BOH, he also wanted nothing to do with the health food store, unless he could figure out a way to make money on it. And of course he did (most of the money that went through that store went to him). He told me he would secure me the corner 875 square foot (perfect) space in a new mall he’d built called “Village Green Mall” if I would rent from him and the rent would be a very low $675 per month. To him low, but to me extremely high.
I assessed the place, Village Green Mall, and came to the conclusion people would have a difficult time maneuvering in and out of it, or even finding it, given that North 25th Ave. the inward artery had no traffic light, nor did the service road. He assured me it would be mainly students at USM across the highway and most of them would walk. Any normal businessperson would have seen the obstacle to traffic, and opted out, as most did.
But when you have autism, at age 28, running marathons and “trying to be a super athlete”, it is easy to talk oneself into believing they can overcome such obstacles, which actually are more basic business principles than obstacles. They cannot be overcome, and none of the other stores in that once full mall were able to make it past 2-5 years either. I could run 26 miles, but I couldn’t keep a tiny shop open that had no access road traffic light. Shows how important basic business principles really are (and to avoid landlords who feel you might not understand them).
His assurances were as good as his word. Very few students could afford or even wanted vitamins or herbs at the time (1978) and most of my older customers also went to the competing store which had about 6 years experience and inventory on me (and easy in/out access). In other words not only did my dad not contribute a penny to The Sesame Seed health food store, he managed to take 24,600 from it in rent. Rent in a mall that went under (as far as boutique shops which were there when I was).
To my knowledge, it is still open but has tenants such as “EZPay Loans” etc in which people will take a risk taking dangerous turns to get there, simply because they would even deal with a predator lender. A person wouldn’t make that turn for some overpriced tofu or rice crackers; when they could get it a mile away at an established store and a few years later at a new store called “WalMart” another 1.5 miles away.
So that lie not only didn’t fly but has a backlash that will appear in my book, after I discovered I am able to get those records from the Internet since the business went into Chapter 13 in 1980. Those records are still in the clerk’s office. The only names anyone will see on them are Doug R. (my 1st partner who sold out the first year), former USM professor Bill K., and The Bank Of Hattiesburg. (My late dad’s name is nowhere to be found on the loan papers), as he (and his FMs) have told and continue to tell everyone. I now know the exact source, who it was who told my relative in the northeast as I got her to “accidentally” cough it up, and it turned out to be one of the second generation flying monkeys as I suspected. As mentioned all this is on the Internet county archives and very easy to retrieve which I will be doing for my book.
That FM began making up lies (at least ones that got back to me) before I was 15. I didn’t quite understand what they (the lies) were all about. Of course with enough therapy, anyone would understand. Nothing personal, just playing ones role for survival in a very ill NPD family, and my “sin” was being the sane/honest one. So it goes. Oh, Professional Bill and I decided to try some real estate ventures on our own after the health food crash. We bought some old homes and fixed them up. In the middle of that, my dad ran him out of town. He was having “too much control over me” and was “not a good influence”. Actually he was a very nice person and good influence. USM apparently thought so too.
That was just one of the many NPD lies that has circulated for years before reaching me (most of them eventually do reach me) as I said. The majority of FMs do get sick of being minions for a family feud of which they know nothing about, but are commanded by the narcissists in it to take their side and do their dirty work. They not only eventually stop, but they get so angry over the years they even come to me to let me know what has been happening. So I took all that information to the State Of Arkansas Autism Board Member (for 35 years) who is my acting therapist who assured me that I’ve been dealing with an NPD family.
That is what the attic bedroom isolation was about at age six. It had nothing to do with being a “special child”, it had everything to do with isolating me from the other children. I was the odd one. I blinked my eyes too much. I had twitches, I acted strange. I had autism. I must be punished for that. And punished I was. The flying monkeys continue to “do their dirty work” as word gets back to me.
But it has died down considerably since my autism diagnosis as such crimes and discrimination against the disabled are taken very seriously (as well they should G.). I have made it as clear (I only need tell one or two….the rest know within an hoiur or two…that is the way that FM family/minion network works), as I possibly can to the current living flying monkeys what the consequences will be of further such evil actions (even if it is from a third party), I know the exact source. The Universe truly has a way of providing kindness and justice if the scapegoat will only grab onto a rope and have patience. The bottom line is disengage, no matter how hard they attack. All attacks from them go directly to the ADA (Americans With Disability Act) part of the Department Of Justice. Keep in mind that as the scapegoat child (even as an adult), your ability to fight back and resources to do so may be limited. Besides, those type family feuds often last forever and nobody wins. However if the DOJ takes over, the fight has ended (even if the FMs and narcissists don’t realize it at first). That’s why the ADA exists. Your rights are their business, and they take their business very seriously, no matter what station in life the flying monkeys are enjoying. Your rights are not only their business, but the FMs and N’s have made a very special effort over the years to make it appear that you don’t have any (rights). Bullies try their best to do that to their victims. They are now going to learn otherwise.
My wife and I are listening to one of my network’s webinar on the steps to use to file such a complaint in case this ever happens again, which it could. I hope everyone can listen. I posted the registration URL on social media yesterday. Please sign up and have a look. It is free, and your rights (that have been taken away) are pertinent. Knowledge is power and the more you know about your rights, the more it diminshes the FMs/bullies/narcissists.
Meantime, I write these type blogs, not only to compile into a book, but am publishing them sooner than the book; and for free to read, so that others (and this type family dysfunction is omnipotent and we thought it was rare for so long), so that others can get help, or learn from my own mistakes, and not have to shell out money they may not have (for a book) but still get the proper assistance and/or resources.